A Letter to My Husband

Dear Delluhle,

It’s hard to believe that eight years ago today we got married. Eight years! Isn’t it strange how thinking about the time that has passed can sometimes make you feel like no time has passed at all? I think about standing with you on our wedding day in the blazing Kelowna summer heat eight years ago and I’m incredulous that it’s 2016. So much has happened in these eight years. And yet it’s also astonishing to me that we’ve only been married for eight years, because it feels like we have been each other’s spouses for so much longer than that. I guess that must mean that our love for each other goes beyond skin deep.Although today is a very special day for us, it is also bittersweet. You and I were looking forward to spending this anniversary with our two precious baby girls. Had things turned out differently, we would have likely had them some time last week or maybe even this week. If I was still pregnant, they would have been 38 weeks tomorrow. Earlier this year, when we talked about how we would spend this anniversary, we imagined being run down by two crying babies fighting for our attention. Instead, our house sounds painfully quiet. I wish so badly that I could give you your daughters today. I know today just isn’t the same without Summer and Malia.

I want you to know that I am so grateful to you for everything that you did to make my pregnancy easier, from satisfying food cravings to singlehandedly doing house chores for five months, and, most of all, for your strength when we lost our girls. You were my hero in the hospital. You have now literally seen me at my worst and, somehow, you still find me beautiful.

I don’t know of any other husband who would have taken two months off work to be with his wife after going through a loss like this. (And I know you would have taken even more time off if you could.) I don’t know why I was surprised you would take so much time off just to be with me, but I was. Even after eight years of marriage you still surprise me. I firmly believe that you are a part of the reason why I have been able to get out of bed since we lost our babies. You have been a constant friend throughout all of this. I am so glad that I am not walking through this valley alone.

Long before this loss, I knew that you would make a terrific father one day. You have such a good heart. I’m so grateful that you are kind and thoughtful because those are two qualities that are severely lacking in people today. Kindness really does go a long way. You’re the sweetest man I know. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. I know that our daughters would have soaked up everything you have to offer. You offer so much.

If losing our daughters has taught me anything, it is that life is so precious. I hate that it has taken this kind of experience for me to see things in this light, but I guess we don’t always appreciate how fragile life truly is, especially when you’re busy with the mundane routines of living. We are so presumptuous as a people. We make plans and hope for the future and generally live out our lives as if all of our tomorrows are guaranteed, but the hideous truth is that life is a vapor. We walk out of our doors and enter a world filled with pain, sickness, disappointment, and death. Everyday that we have is a miracle. So, yes, all of the fights and disagreements we have now, well, they just seem so insignificant compared to what you mean to me.

Neither one of us is perfect and our marriage is not always easy. Life this side of heaven has nearly torn us apart. But I wouldn’t trade you for the world. I am so thankful you are my husband.

Happy anniversary, honey.

I love you with all my heart.

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